I've been haveing some of what I call my dark days again... I'm have nightmares again about my husband not being faithful and about stuff from when I was younger, so needless to say I'm not sleeping good. We have been doing better in our marriage but there are days that I have these bad feelings that he is hiding stuff from me. Which is not good and I know this but at the same time I don't know if it's real or if it's just me being scared that he is back to keeping stuff from me. I don't really know what to do anymore. Some days I wish I could just getaway for a few days with out him or the kids to just have sometime to myself to see where my head really is, but then I know I would just make myself sick from worrying what he was doing and if the kids where ok. So i'm glade that I can bleed out hear or write on one of the books that i've been writing or to lose myself in a book that i'm reading. Even if there is no one reading this it's still good to just get this stuff out of my head and if you are reading this thanks for letting me bleed.

Pain

I'm starting to have more pain in the lower back in sides...whitch for me is not good the doctor told me that i've lost more kidney function and wants me to go see my kidney doctor to find out just how much I've lost. I know that I need to and I do plan to but it scares the hell out of me. Since I was little I have had problems with my kidneys and doctors have been telling me that I wasn't going to make it and that I wouldn't have kids. I have two great kids and i'm in my thirty's so they weren't right but sooner or later there going to get it right i just don't want it to be now. I'm not giveing up or do I ever give faith in what they tell me and am always out to prove them wrong...it's just me never can do anything easy. I have my good days and bad just like everyone dose it just seems like i'm having more bad day latley. Anyway I just need to bleed some of this out so thanks for letting me bleed this out so I can breath easy for awhile.

I'm so tired of my Husband sticking up for his female friend who keeps trying to cause trouble in our marrige. If I say anything about the games she is playing then i'm the bad guy. They were over in Iraq togather and he says she is only a friend so why is she trying to come between me and my husband. What really makes me mad it the fact that she is also married.

More Lies

It's been awhile since i've been on but it seems that i'm still singing the same old song... My Husband has still been telling me Lies and keeping things from me. He told me that it's not my fulte but then turned around and said that he can't tell me anything because i would want to know about it and be wanting to know why he was keeping it form me...but he said that I can trust him not to be cheating on me in these accounts. I don't belive him anymore.

If you Cheat DO YOU LOVE YOU SPOUSE?

IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR SPOUSE?

See hear is the my point of view: If you really Love Your Spouse you wouldn't cheat.
Can you lie and hide things from your spouse if you really love them?
Again, just my point of view: NO... If you love your spouse you wouldn't want to lie because you wouldn't want to hurt them worse... Because if they found out that you lied to them, it would hurt more then telling them the truth.

My Husband has never closed the deal when it comes to cheating on me, but he has spent money on other women, sent them stuff and had them send him nude pics of themselves. He has told them lies and me lies and only comes some what clean when he gets caught and there is no way to keep lying. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with having other women set in his lap or covering his body all over theirs or taking pics that look and may even be of him trying to cop a feel. He is able to lie to my face and not think twice about it. He gets mad at me for being upset over him being with these other women. Why should he get up set with me when he is the one doing wrong?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

I'm going to be 34 in just a few hours and my Husband is over in Iraq so it looks like just me and the kids to celibart it. Not really a big deal i'm use to this because he is never home for my birthday or our wedding annevsary witch will be on the 17th of this month. I talked to my Hubby the other day and he asked me what I bought myself for my birthday from him. I give him money all the time but he can't buy a card and send it because he needs more money for somthing that he wants. So in case your wondering no I didn't get myself anything. Like I said i'm use to it the only time I get anything from him is if I buy it and say it's from him. But it dosen't matter. I'm going to try and have a good birthday anyway. I got a phone call telling me that there is no school for tomorrow so that means no work for me...YA!!!!!

It's Called Death

DEATH

It was a day like any another day. I woke up to the pain so sharp it felt like someone or something was reaping away my insides and feasting on them right inside of me. It was another day I prayed for Death come to me. But Death would not come. I be live in God and I even think God has a sick and twist sine of humor sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think God enjoyed seeing me in pain he was just trying to keep me strong for the thing that were to com ahead. But I stilled prayed for Death every time the pain gets too bad. For to me Death waits with a smile and arms wide open to welcome me home. Death knows my name by heart and Death take a little pleasure every time I’m in pain and God weeps for me every time I’m in pain. But I know and so dose Death that he has had me since birth.


Brandy L.

The Blood Coven

For those of you who don't know much about me I'm a big reader. I like books about Vampires and all that dark stuff you might say. I've always been into the whole vampire and goth stuff. I guess it comes from always been sick growing up that got me into wanting to be a vampire. The thought of living for all eternte and never being sick sounded so good (it still dose). But anyway the reason i'm telling you some of this is because of the Author (Mari Mancusi) I just finshed all the books she has out on her vampire storyes (A Blood Coven Vampire) books. They are so good and they keep you guessing and going threw all the emoshens as what the people in the book are going threw. It is great to read something that you can't but down. If you like to read about vampires and things the come out at night read these books. Boys that Bite, Stake That, Girls that Growl and Bad Blood.

A little Bleeding

It looks like my Husband should be home in about 5 months, I guess i'm happy. We have so much to work on when he gets back, I just hope we can work things out. He dosen't call or e-mail me that much. He said that he is just so bussy over there and he may bee.

Anyway the kids and I are doing ok. My daughter is done with Volleyball (thank you Lord). She made it through with out getting hurt or I should say with breaking anything. My son is doing good in his classes and is likeing Jr high or Middle school whatever there calling it now. As for me I'm just working all the time and hanging out with my kids and driving them around. I've been reading but not doing any writeing. Although i've been running stuff threw my head just haven't but in down on paper. My Daught is writeing a story and doing Poems she had me make up a poem to tell her right off the top of my head and she said that she dosen't like the ones that start with the same letter. She is still doing her drawing to. She ask me if I would think bad of her if her poems where a little dark. I told her to let me read it and see. So she let me read it and it was dark but I told her I didn't think that she was doing or thinking anything bad, just that she wanted to write about the stuff that people are scard to talk about. Then I showed her some of my poems that are dark. My daught is like me in the dressing and in so many other ways but she looks like her Dad. My son is writting also he said that he is working on a book witch is cool. He looks like is dad too. I think he also takes after his dad in other ways to but he tell's that he is like me. I've been the one taking care of the kids there whole life and it will be hard to see them go off on there own. My daughter is a 9th grader this year and she is always telling (you only have me for four more years) and my son is a 6th grader. Anyway let me get off before I start to show that I can bleed real tears. Have a good Day everyone.

Work is going and the kids are not that bad. The bus is a little loaded with my middle school kids, but it all works out there only on the bus for about 15 mins if that.

Tonight is going, but I feel like I should be writing my book that I'm working on for my kids. I've only got about 5 chapters on it. I started to write another book one that my kids won't be readying until there 18yrs. old. I try not to let my kids see the dark side of myself. Some say that I'm a bad mother because I have a darker side, it's nothing bad. I just write stuff about blood and death and talk little about the stuff most don't like to talk about. My kids don't understand why I don't just drop them off at different place like there friends mom's do. I try and tell my kids the truth witch is there is no need for kids to be drop off somewhere all day and not be picked up until late at night. I would rather have a house full of kids then have them at a mall or somewhere where they could be taken or get into trouble. Don't get me wrong I don't think bad about those who let there kids do stuff like that it's just me. I guess it's because I've seen the dark side of life growing up and don't want something to happen to my kids if I can help it. Anyways thinks for letting me bleed out again.

Sister in Law

On July 31, 2010 my brother's ex-wife and mother of there two boys past away. She was only 33yrs.old I'm six months older then her and we share the same name. The family still thinks of her as family. I was asked to stay away for awhile to give the family so time to deal. I would not have been asked this if we didn't have the same name and be the same age, but I have not said anything or done anything. The funeral will be on Friday and me and my two kids will be going to pay our respects.
I don't know how well this is going to go because some of her family is already fighting about the way the funeral is going to be done. All I can do is ask God to watch over everyone and that all will go well.

Today are Church started there VBS witch had 54 kids show up for today. It was great to see so many young kids here with are youth. It also turned into a day of sadness for My Daughter and Myself, because we had a Memorial service to attend to day. It was for our young friend who took her own life. It was very sad and very biter sweet remembering her and laughing with others when they shared memories of her with us. She will be missed and live on in our hearts and memories. Thanks for letting me bleed out.

Today has been one of those days to make you think about Life and Death. It is hard to talk to your children about death, but it is even harder to have to talk to them about someone taking there own Life. It's really hard though when it's a teen and a friend of your daughters. Just so people will know my kids are 14yrs. old and
11yrs. old. But to tell the Truth my kids are taking it well. But I don't think it has sunk in to them yet. I've been spending a lot of time with my kids today witch was good for us. I try to spend a lot of time with my kids but it is sad that sometimes it takes a tragedy to bring family's close. I'm not saying that that is what happened here. Anyway thinks for letting me Bleed Out.

Black Rose

Lost Of A Young Soul

I just got a phone call at 6:45 a.m from one of my daughter's Friends Mom to tell me that on of her friends that had tried to take there own life had passed away this Morning. The young girl that did this I didn't know to well but me and my family got to spend the day with her two and half weeks ago while my Husband was home for R&R from Iraq. I don't know what happened to make her thank that this was the best thing for her or why she didn't want to go on living. All that I do know is that I need to be there for my daughter and her friends. We can ask why tell where blue in the face but the fact is that some of us will never no why and that's just something that we will need to learn to live with. We need to remember the good times that we had with them and the sad. Just remembering them and being there for other's who knew her. I just ask that you send up a prayer for all of this Young girls family and friends.

Take care and Thank you for Letting me Bleed Out.