I've been haveing some of what I call my dark days again... I'm have nightmares again about my husband not being faithful and about stuff from when I was younger, so needless to say I'm not sleeping good. We have been doing better in our marriage but there are days that I have these bad feelings that he is hiding stuff from me. Which is not good and I know this but at the same time I don't know if it's real or if it's just me being scared that he is back to keeping stuff from me. I don't really know what to do anymore. Some days I wish I could just getaway for a few days with out him or the kids to just have sometime to myself to see where my head really is, but then I know I would just make myself sick from worrying what he was doing and if the kids where ok. So i'm glade that I can bleed out hear or write on one of the books that i've been writing or to lose myself in a book that i'm reading. Even if there is no one reading this it's still good to just get this stuff out of my head and if you are reading this thanks for letting me bleed.

Pain

I'm starting to have more pain in the lower back in sides...whitch for me is not good the doctor told me that i've lost more kidney function and wants me to go see my kidney doctor to find out just how much I've lost. I know that I need to and I do plan to but it scares the hell out of me. Since I was little I have had problems with my kidneys and doctors have been telling me that I wasn't going to make it and that I wouldn't have kids. I have two great kids and i'm in my thirty's so they weren't right but sooner or later there going to get it right i just don't want it to be now. I'm not giveing up or do I ever give faith in what they tell me and am always out to prove them wrong...it's just me never can do anything easy. I have my good days and bad just like everyone dose it just seems like i'm having more bad day latley. Anyway I just need to bleed some of this out so thanks for letting me bleed this out so I can breath easy for awhile.

I'm so tired of my Husband sticking up for his female friend who keeps trying to cause trouble in our marrige. If I say anything about the games she is playing then i'm the bad guy. They were over in Iraq togather and he says she is only a friend so why is she trying to come between me and my husband. What really makes me mad it the fact that she is also married.

More Lies

It's been awhile since i've been on but it seems that i'm still singing the same old song... My Husband has still been telling me Lies and keeping things from me. He told me that it's not my fulte but then turned around and said that he can't tell me anything because i would want to know about it and be wanting to know why he was keeping it form me...but he said that I can trust him not to be cheating on me in these accounts. I don't belive him anymore.

If you Cheat DO YOU LOVE YOU SPOUSE?

IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR SPOUSE?

See hear is the my point of view: If you really Love Your Spouse you wouldn't cheat.
Can you lie and hide things from your spouse if you really love them?
Again, just my point of view: NO... If you love your spouse you wouldn't want to lie because you wouldn't want to hurt them worse... Because if they found out that you lied to them, it would hurt more then telling them the truth.

My Husband has never closed the deal when it comes to cheating on me, but he has spent money on other women, sent them stuff and had them send him nude pics of themselves. He has told them lies and me lies and only comes some what clean when he gets caught and there is no way to keep lying. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with having other women set in his lap or covering his body all over theirs or taking pics that look and may even be of him trying to cop a feel. He is able to lie to my face and not think twice about it. He gets mad at me for being upset over him being with these other women. Why should he get up set with me when he is the one doing wrong?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

I'm going to be 34 in just a few hours and my Husband is over in Iraq so it looks like just me and the kids to celibart it. Not really a big deal i'm use to this because he is never home for my birthday or our wedding annevsary witch will be on the 17th of this month. I talked to my Hubby the other day and he asked me what I bought myself for my birthday from him. I give him money all the time but he can't buy a card and send it because he needs more money for somthing that he wants. So in case your wondering no I didn't get myself anything. Like I said i'm use to it the only time I get anything from him is if I buy it and say it's from him. But it dosen't matter. I'm going to try and have a good birthday anyway. I got a phone call telling me that there is no school for tomorrow so that means no work for me...YA!!!!!

It's Called Death

DEATH

It was a day like any another day. I woke up to the pain so sharp it felt like someone or something was reaping away my insides and feasting on them right inside of me. It was another day I prayed for Death come to me. But Death would not come. I be live in God and I even think God has a sick and twist sine of humor sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think God enjoyed seeing me in pain he was just trying to keep me strong for the thing that were to com ahead. But I stilled prayed for Death every time the pain gets too bad. For to me Death waits with a smile and arms wide open to welcome me home. Death knows my name by heart and Death take a little pleasure every time I’m in pain and God weeps for me every time I’m in pain. But I know and so dose Death that he has had me since birth.


Brandy L.